(this image is from paddlingabout.com)
What has been a very good week got a little messy this morning. It seems when I leave my world of knitting and porch sitting and take risks, I do it with tension. My knitting world is so very under my control. If I like it and it looks good, I keep knitting it. If it gets messy I frog it.
There is no frogging when you are in a kayak and the waves start up. There was only imagined danger when I look back upon it. I never capsized, the water was cold but ridiculously shallow and my insistence upon staying immediately astride the shore was what got me stuck to begin with.
The worst of the story is that I yelled and I swore and an entire shoreline could have heard me.
Fireman who is the best of friends in the worst of times, kept his unshakeable cool. He was smart enough not to say much. "Lets' go back" he agreed as we maneuvered directions and acknowledged our predicament. So we did.
I was drenched and paddling more lake in the kayak than was probably around me. It all felt lousy. I wasn't perfect. I wasn't even ladylike. The compliment of the day before, that Fireman said he had trouble keeping up with me in the kayaks as I could paddle so strongly, was evaporated in shame. Can we go home now?
But we didn't. We drove a short way to the other shore where the winds were calm and the bay was protected. And we paddled and my nerves settled over 2 hours of beautiful time. When I was
stuck on the rocks and angry I kept thinking, YOu dont take someone with an anxiety disorder into the waves, damn it. But who was I saying this to? I needed to say it to myself. I have to captain my own boat.
So I got upset. Upset with myself for playing it so safe it ended up nearly tipping me.
Upset that I wasn't the Patagonia girl in the ad. UPset at the wind? Silly. Seriously silly.
No You don't take your boat into the waves when you are me.
I like quiet water paddling. I like porch sitting . I like knitting. I also like thinking about the STUFF after it happens and unraveling the twisted yarn that is me.
What happened out there my knit friends?